What I Want My Death Certificate to Say

As you all know I unfortunately have had plenty of experience with death certificates as of late. I realized that there are many ways to go.

My Dad passed away from Myasthenia Gravis. It’s an auto immune disease that basically weakens the body. My Mom passed away from a Pulmonary Embolism (a blood clot to the lungs). All within 6 months.

Now I know New Lenox doesn’t have a coroner, and all death certificates are handled by Will County, but I’ve decided I want my death certificate to be SPECTACULAR! Not your average heart attack, stroke or emphysema. I want mine to say something to that makes you laugh out loud. Or at least makes you wonder how that could of possibly happened. I think going out in a spectacular fashion puts an exclamation point on a life.

Let’s start out with jumping ramps. I always enjoyed doing that as a teenager. Driving my bike over the largest ramp we could make. But now that I’m an adult (or so it seems) I’m thinking about strapping a jet engine on to my Toyota Corolla and trying to jump I-80. I think I could clear it barring any large semi’s crossing my path, but the landing would be a little tricky. Hitting a semi and being carried off to California would be funny as hell too.

How about skydiving? There’s nothing more exciting. The problem would be the weight to speed ratio in my case. Even with a fully deployed chute the chances of my lower legs ending up lodged in my brain are pretty good. I must say it is pretty spectacular though. And I would need a much shorter coffin saving money for my family.

Bungee jumping. Another weight to speed and height problem. I’m sure someone out there has successfully bungee jumped at the same weight I am. But I’m pretty sure one of two things would occur. Either the rope would snap sending me into the ground at 100 mph or the bungee would rip both my legs off. If we were above water, I would then be eaten by schools of minnows that are known to be quite ravenous when the opportunity presents itself.

Death by minnow. Hard to beat.

Death by swordfish. I’ve only been deep-sea fishing once. And it wasn’t for swordfish. But I couldn’t help but wonder what if you hooked into one of these monsters and it made a rush towards the boat, leaped at just the right time and the swordfishes aim was perfect. Try to close that coffin.

Death by Jennifer Love-Hewitt. No need to explain. Just imagine.

Death by Q-tip. You know how your mother and the package insert in the Q-tip box says not to insert the cue tip into the ear canal, but just about everyone does. So you’re trying to get that last bit of wax out, you push a little too hard and wham! Right through the brain. They find you in your robe with the cue tip sticking out of your ear. The paramedics laugh and then call the coroner. The funeral director is kind enough to remove the cue tip before they put you on display.

SPECTACULAR! Or maybe it would be better just to go by natural causes when I’m 85 or so.