Musings by Moss

Every 6 months or so, I create a list of questions that I need answered. Some of them involve New Lenox, others involve the world. All I know is if I don’t get these answered soon, someone’s going to have to write me a prescription for some Valium.  (Side effects include drowsiness, impaired motor functions, impaired coordination, impaired balance, dizziness, fatigue, depression, anterograde amnesia and reflex tachycardia. Rare side effects can include nervousness, confusion, constipation, diplopia, dysarthria, headache, hypotension, incontinence, jaundice, changes in sex drive, nausea, changes in salivation, rash, slurring of speech, tremor, urinary retention, vertigo, irritability, insomnia, muscle cramps, and in severe cases, rage and/or violence. If these side effects develop, Valium treatment should be discontinued, don’t you think?).

That relates to my first question:

1. Are all these side effects from a true sampling of the population or someone living in a shack in the middle of the desert who is sure the aliens are coming and tin foil on his head will deflect the evil radio waves from the planet hypochondria, or did some normal people get these side effects?
2. Why is it that the deer on Francis Rd. in New Lenox have some sort suicide pack going? Is their life so bad that suicide by car is the only option left? Little suicide notes tied to their necks leaving all their worldly possessions (4 acorns, 2 ears of corn, 1 scratching tree, a salt lick, the jacket of the hunter he gored, and the complete 1st season of Family Guy) to their little fawn.
3. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them? But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
4. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
5. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
6. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
7. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
8. Can you get cavities in your dentures from using too much artificial sweetener?

1. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

1. Why do you sterilize needles for lethal injection?
2. Why can’t we get a little coffee shop or a decent gas station or a 7 eleven on the north/west side of New Lenox? Was it something I said?
3. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
4. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
5. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
6. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
7. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (DUDE!!!)
8. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
9. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Now that I’ve given you something to discuss, talk amongst yourselves.

Oh, one more thing. I’m looking for some feedback on my columns. If you like what you read let me know. If you don’t, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to have to start taking that Valium stuff. Did you see all those side effects?